art.

i have so many pictures in my head, so many images i just can’t seem to get onto paper; so many words, tumbling into sentences, falling onto cliffs and breaking into typefaces and serif fonts. i picture them marching out of open books, taking flight and forming dragons. colors and scales will grow and take shape, a breath of fire to clear the room. thick lines and thin lines, big A’s and little a’s, swarms. they crowd my mind and beg to be let out, but my hands can’t seem to find the right tools to make it happen - and so they sit. they multiply and grow until busting at the seams… and when i find a blank page, they explode. charcoal and pen and paint, curvy lines and vines, neat rows and coffee stains. so unique and never ending. my feelings are carried with them, too. and my fears, dreams, past memories. they each take a little piece and weave it in, until the finished work is a blanket and timeline, warm and revealing.

this is why i am an artist. not because i cannot keep these ideas inside, but because i have no desire to. 

welcome back.

i'm in college. i've been here for about 2 and a half months, and it has been one of the hardest things i've ever done.  not hard in the traditional sense, with my nervous breakdowns and sobbing in a corner, but different.

i'm an adult. err, sort of. but i live halfway on my own and i buy my own groceries and actually do my dorm chores. i had to start over with the exception of a few and make all new friends, learn my way around a new town, learn how to do actual art the correct way.

it's so amazing though. boone is beautiful. i go on hikes and climb rocks, and i tailgated in the snow. cru is every thursday and i'm so blessed with those small group girls. i prayed for a few good friends - God gave me the small group, girls on my hall, and andrew's entire floor. who am i to complain?

rooming with another person isn't easy, and i'm still single.

but my friend kaitlyn helped me so much. she reminded me that singleness is not a permanent state. i may be called to singleness now, but that doesn't necessarily mean that's true for next week or next year. woah.

this weekend i'm going home to see my family and my best friends. it'll be good to drive and hang with them again, splatter paint and footloose and disney movies in all (:

so life is good right now. different, but good. i'm learning more about other people and myself and God's plan for me than i ever expected in a few months. and i'm still just as close with my old friend as i was before, and moving on with new friends too.

wow. just wow. how can i be so blessed? thank you, daddy :)

this is my last

blog entry for honors creative writing AND last week of high school, ever.

What.

I remember being a freshman so well. that awkward year when everything was disproportionate and i had the self-esteem of a bug. when too much energy and a desire to be the best goody-two-shoes collided. when i still had so much to learn, but considered myself an expert nonetheless.

now, i'm not perfect. not even close. but i've learned more in these four years - move and costa rica in all - than i ever could've expected. God is good. i've made amazing friends, been loved, shared love.

still, i'm ready for a change. for college. the next stage of my life.

i wish with all my heart that i was going to europe with all best best friends in a week and a half, but it's not in the cards for me, i guess. but there's studying abroad and skiing and blizzards at college, and dorm shopping and orientation when everyone's gone. i have no doubts that i will live a full life if i live it according to God's will.

so here we go. farewell to the lasts, welcome to the firsts.

it's life's little things

that mean the most to me.

singing in the rain and group hugs in the middle of the street; kids movies and cartoons; cake and cookies; laughing and cracking cheesy jokes; staying up all night, hanging out all day.

i traveled through hills and valleys to find the kids i’ve spent countless hours with, and i’m not letting them go, even when the miles separate us.

these memories are irreplaceable. it's all the lasts, final drives to school and prom and sleepovers. it's the times that we'll treasure in our heart, look back on and laugh about. i'm so blessed to have experienced them. i wouldn't trade these things with the world.

one summer left. that's all that's left until everything changes. until our lives change. until we change.

just a few more months of childhood, lazy days and sunshine, laughing hysterically with no place to be. these people, my best friends  - i love you, and i wouldn't be the same without you.

i love you. 

i'm ready for change,

but aren't we all?

i can't wait until next year, when i'll be up in the mountains. freedom and new friends, so many new adventures and experiences. i know that it's going to be one of the most difficult times of my life, but i'm ready.

at least, i think i am.

i've been spending quality time reflecting on high school recently, and i'd say i had it pretty good. i made friends and lived my life to God's honor and glory; i didn't make any colossal mistakes; i learned about myself.

pretty typical, yeah. but college is going to be a whole new step. it's a time to test my beliefs, for one thing. not just religiously, but also relationship and with my studies. i'll have to learn how to balance even more than before, especially when i add a job on the side. it's going to be crazy, but so worth it.

when i was little,

books were an adventure. first i was learning to read, finding meaning in those black lines with curves and angles, discovering the difference between letters.

soon, books were mainly an escape. away from loud siblings or a gray winter, i could experience life. i couldn’t drive yet, so the only way to taste the real world was through a character. i lived vicariously.

i forgot them for a while, actually. i began to have my own adventures: stargazing, 3 a.m. runs to cookout, spontaneous trips to the lake. i didn’t need someone else to live through - i had my own life.

luckily, that only lasted about a month or so. you see, real people always let you down. it’s a fact of life, and i can say it because i’ve even let my best friends down, unintentionally. people disappoint.

but characters? they always wait for you. they’ll stop in mid sentence if you need to grab a sip of coffee or answer the phone. they’ve had months to think over their words and contemplate the meaning of a sentence. they’re ideal.

i’m not a hermit and i’m an extrovert to the max, and i adore my friends. but i find that when i need quiet… books are one of the best places to go.

i don't want to go back

to the way things were.

i can feel it sneaking up on me - anxiety's fingers on my throat, loneliness's weight on my heart. i was always so sad, then. so afraid to make a wrong move that i didn't move at all, or do much of anything. i hid alone where it was safe. a life of mere existence. i just wanted time to go by quickly, so i could clearly see the end.


a long year later, i moved past that. i found friends and confidence, true laughs and jokes without forced smiles. people finally accepted me, and i'm so so grateful.

i've been living in sunshine instead of darkness, drinking life in at every possible second.i smile easily now too, and my fears and insecurities have been leaving me alone. i'm the way i was before the move; if possible, i really am myself.

but too much time alone in my head makes me wonder. casual thoughts that lead to deep worries, problems i thought i'd buried resurfacing through time's shifting sands.

and just when i thought if found myself, God whispers that i should've been seeking Him all along.

it's a scary thing, being out of control. isn't it?

He is risen,

He is risen indeed!

i have done absolutely nothing to deserve this. nothing. so much sacrifice and pain, sacrifice and love. i’m unworthy, but he is so, so loving.

thank you Father. i’m at a loss for words just thinking about what you went through thousands of years ago by earthly time, but always in your plan. You gave up everything for me, and then rose again in one of the most spectacular miracles ever seen. may my life be to your glory, always.
happy easter!

my priorities

are craaazy out of wack.

like yeah i’m a senior, but school still matters. i truly do value the feeling of hard work more than i ever realized, if only because of its absence.

that being said, my friends have taken top priority. that’s such a good thing, because relationships are crutial, but also bad… because, well, God should be number one. but school has taken last, even under chickfila and church and sleep. and then there’s the senior book, a category all it’s own.

coffee is becoming a little to essential to my focus, and i’m not even going to europe. just graduating.
and these two weeks: one, three of my best friends gone. the other, a solid break from school. pluses and minuses, curses and blessings.

i wish i wasn’t so self-centered. it’s a problem, and i need to fix that too. all the cliches, so much and so little time, blah blah blah. it’s something only God can fix, so here we go.

prom is tonight.

in roughly eight hours, my date is coming to my house for pictures and the night will officially begin.

i'm afraid i'm anticipating too much. you know? like if i expect it to be absolutely magical and the best night of my life, and it's not... that would be such a let down.

on the flip side, i don't want to be a negative nancy and expect the worst, missing opportunities.

but since i have a wonderful date, even more wonderful friends and plans going deep into the night, i'm going to go the optimistic route. i was asked on a golf course while stargazing, my nails are done and my dress has almost all my favorite colors. plus i'm going with a ginger, and i'm a senior.

it's going to be magical, i'm almost positive. and i. can't. wait.

heaven on earth

nom nom nom. have you seen these? i'm sure most people have by now: a gooey chocolate chip cookie with a crunchy oreo on the inside. it looks choclately, sweet, satisfying, delicious, and full of calories that are worth every bite.

it's 7:30 a.m. and i'm starting the day off to craving more dessert that i already eat way too much of. but that's okay, i'll just wait until after prom to make them!

oh my lanta i'm just thinking bout these cookies. dipped in milk, fresh out of the oven, melting in my mouth and filling my whole body up with warmth - mmmm. i'm a foodie, isn't it obvious?  the only way to make these better is to either add peanut butter chips to the cookie batter or slather it on top of the cookie before it's eaten. or both. if you like peanut butter.

i also have a recipe for nutella brownies i need to try. it'll be hard to chose between these two, but here's the recipe for these in the meantime:
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/9JoROP/blog.fossil.com/%253Fcat%253D6

typography.

so since i'm obsessed with fonts and everything design related, let's overanalyze this,shall we?

notice how "life" and "life is short" each take up three lines, ephasizing their importance. everythign is in all caps, urging for immediate action to "start doing things you love" and to "travel often". encouraging words like "love" and "passion" are huge so the reader will feel happy and inspired when they read them. the everyday things are smaller because they usually fade into the background, but their still there to show how important they are to our lives' structure. the font is a modernized typwriter font, a spin of a classic to make the reader feel nostalgic for their childhood days.

what i'm saying is that i think this is really cool, basically. i don't know if everything was intentional or simply intuitive, but its a clean design and appeal to the art of typography.

i'll admit though - my favorites are the ones that include different fonts and colors but are still unified within the design - i have yet to figure out how to make those. but i will, soon. until then, i'll enjoy the ones other people have made.

i'm done

with letting you control my life.

you’ve hurt me, more than you will ever know. i’ve been on a roller coaster with you since day one, and i’m through.

you can’t control my happiness anymore, or my confidence. i won’t apologize for being me. no, i’m not perfect. but here’s the truth: neither are you.

i gave you a chance; a second chance; ten chances. i’m willing to forgive again, because i know half of it is me being oversensitive. i still want to know you better, as a sibling in Christ. but it’s hard to believe so much of what you say. i want to trust you. stop giving me reasons not to.

i wish i could just come out and say this in person. i know you don’t even realize how much this is tearing me up inside.

but i’m becoming myself again, finally. each day for the past couple weeks i’ve found another piece. i’ll be okay - i just hope you will be too.

dear you,

be careful with my heart.

it’s fragile, and i’m already broken and imperfect enough.

please… just tell me what you’re thinking. no more games, no more inferences. tell me what thoughts go through your head when you chose your words, when you plan your future, when you decide who to open up to today.

i’m willing to give it a try, but i don’t think you are. funny, because that all changed within a week.

i’m confused, love.

it hurts.

on top of everything else that’s going on, you’re only making it worse. i was willing to muster through until you added that last straw to the pile. i’m not sure if it was intentional or not; i’d like to go with the latter.

the day before my birthday, i felt like poop and didn't go to school until 10:30 to try and feel better with extra sleep. it didn't work.

i don’t expect anything from you. how sad is that? a week ago i wouldn’t thought you’d have a huge surprise in store. now i know better.

i hope i’m just being dramatic, and that everything will turn out all right in the end.

i care about you, a lot. remember that.

love, me.

who comes comes up with these things?

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2rClf2/www.yankodesign.com/2011/03/17/a-chair-for-clingy-lovers/

this is hysterical. i laughed because it's ridiculous, but everyone knows what they're talking about and would actually use it!

and yet, just who has enough time to think of this idea and fashion the actual chair? And then market it? And then actually... sell it?

if only my ideas came that easily.

at the beginning of the year my ideas came with a vengeance. i kept paper and a pen with me at all times so i could scribble down the random passages that filled my mind. they're still there, somewhere. but instead of dancing in florescence, they've faded to the backburner, slowly turning into smoke.

my creativity is such a part of who i am; losing it terrifies me.

maybe this poetry project will be a good thing after all. maybe it will turn that smoke into water, and that water into a waterfall.

this

is something I would absolutely love to do.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/6mqavU/www.youtube.com/watch%253Fv%253Dd6egUsZvWu4

painting like this, with colors and schemes and all-around creativity. if i had unlimited cash, i'd be on the agenda for this sunday, the perfect after-prom activity.

just think: the countless hours buying the paint, sorting them into cups, finding a tower to cover with color. painstakingly planning out the order, and which colors will go best together. i could go with cool colors like the ocean, spring pastels, bright summer colors, oranges in a sunset - endless possibilities.

but then comes the actual process, and where on earth do you actually do it? in a garage? the paint probably takes hours to dry.  it's completely inconceivable for one person to do alone.

i'm being such a realitst. this is weird. maybe i'm just tired, or discouraged by my lack of means to actually do something this cool.

unless i come up with my own solution...

either way, it's on the bucket list!

my mood is 90%

determined by the weather.

i’m not sure if that’s normal or some kind of strange quirk, but whatever the reason - i’m so grateful for the sunshine and wonderful weather today. just lying in the sun with some of my best friends made my week so much brighter.

i came home (driving with the windows and sunroof down, of course!) to peace and my first free afternoon in a long while. it's so peaceful.

and come to realize: i have more reasons to be happy than to not. such a cliche statement, but cliches had to become so well known for a reason, right?

in any case, thank you, Daddy and sweet sunshine (:

recently on stumbleupon,

i came across this page:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1rFWK5/amusingto.com/cool/unbelievable-graphic-art-pictures-by-rob-gonzales.html

and it made me think. the art blends a city or humanity with nature, meeting in the middle and forming an unexpectd parallel. this is one of the greatest things about art: it blends feelings or experiences that we all have in common with an artist's interpretation, providing new insight and a new reason to stop and truly see.

writing does this too, once we move past the cliche. i don't know much about this artist as a person, but i feel like we may have more in common than appears on the outside.

so for english,

andrew and i are doing a scene from harry potter for the speech meet.

cool, right? i mean, harry potter is epic, a classic, and just all-around interesting.

but. we have no idea what scene to do and we're suddenly performing on tuesday. we want to do something dramatic, but neither of us can really act... and it's just two of us. plus no one else in our class likes harry potter, so it's going to be more than a little awkward.

greaaat.

to the casual facebook creeper,

it would appear that all i ever do is dress up in crazy outfits and take excessive amounts of pictures all at once, usually of the photobooth variety.

i mean, i guess that’s somewhat accurate…

but it got me thinking. all these social network sites are just a reflection of what we do in real life. our pictures, conversations, and statuses all come from experiences that happen away from a computer screen and a comfortable chair.

so why do we have them on our phones now? why do we even bother to creep, if we could just ask them in real life?

i'm guilty of it too. if i have time, i love to creep. but facebook or someone's blog is still just a piece of them, not the full picture. it's what they feel comfortable sharing, not the nitty-gritty of who they really are. thats stuff that you can't hide. that's the stuff that only true friends know.

just food for thought (:

i love it when

i gain 10 new church friends on a deep level

my first FUEL couldn’t have been better

i go shopping and dance with some besties

have my prom dress & accessories ready to go

i listen to some good jams

God speaks to me in a major way

i haven’t done any homework yet

he texts me back right away

assassin starts tomorrow

and i just have an unforgettable 3-day weekend, all without leaving the city or spending major cash. ahh, life :)

when i was little,

i would constantly make up stories. the lady at the grocery store with a flowered hat and a smile as a fairy in disguise; the boy in class with quick feet was a superhero; the bird who whistled in the dead of winter could understand human speech. later i would craft these ideas into stories, figments of a child's imagination. but as always happens, as i grew older, i stopped noticing. san francisco's fog settled over my mind. life became school and homework and facebook, textbooks and blue skies but not hint of rainbow. but i'm fighting it, this sense of complacency. i don't want to lose this gift. not for the sake of pride, but for the sake of turning a tree branch into a sword and a squiggle into a tidal wave. and most importantly, for the sake of sharing it.

today.

1. it was a long-sleeved-app-shirt-plus-gold-scarf kinda day.
2. healthy breakfast, taza for lunch, chickfila milkshake lata.
3. high anticipation for my officially unofficial prom date to be official.
4. listened to the maine, modest mouse, he is we and safety suit, holla!
5. reconnected with one of my favorite teachers.
6. more prom planning.
7. had a near accident.
8. lunch date with kelsey and madeline, couldn’t be better.
9. work was crazy, per usual.
10. blogging is such a stress reliever.
11. super excited for the senior class game of assassin.
12. just a little bit of homework, almost done.
13. who is even reading this.
14. wondering what’s going through my mom’s mind.
15. bed time, asap, because i basically slept in two of my classes.

12 a.m. on the first of march.

i’m sitting in shorts and a tshirt with three of my best friends watching the notebook, blogging, and eating food. we just had a harry potter marathon and made butterbeer. the boy i like was texting me about lunch plans. i’ve been driving with my sunroof down every day and i have 150 new songs in my itunes. i might have a roommate and my prom planning is almost complete. i’ve got some money saved up from work and may be able to negotiate a trip to texas this summer. i’ve stuck with my daily devos for two weeks now, and God has already made a difference.

hellooo happiness and blessings!

i love books.

i love the feeling of textured pages, raised letters and serif fonts. the smell of a glue-bound spine, holding the paper together. the knowledge spills from the pages like leaves in the fall - colorful, vibrant, tingling in the mind's wind. the weight of a book is a solid one. it's a tangible hold on the intangible. a weight that speaks of permanence and a lasting nobility. it's the stories that whisper, the tales of wisdom, the facts and fiction. ornamental covers with scrolling gold letters, aged designs, titles stretched across the front and sides. fresh printed ink, the knowledge within.

don't get me wrong, there's nothing like other people or hanging out. but sometimes, i just need an escape, the words of someone with far more experience than i.

and there, my imagination takes flight.

i've discovered

that when you put God in top priority, everything else falls in place.

this week has already been rough. emotions on high, heart on my sleeve… telling anyone who will listen my problems, just begging to be hurt in the process of trying to fill the hole inside my heart. tired and filled with the hopelessness of the flesh.

and then You wrapped Your arms around me and brought me home.

why it always takes me so long to admit that i need help is a mystery, but Your love and patience are truly unfailing.

You brought me to Ephesians; You brought me 1 Peter; You brought me Your truth.

i’m so broken and so in awe. i know You’ve taught me this before. and i’m unsure about so many things, but i pray that Your Spirit will stay in my mind more than these earthly things.

during the summer,

i would always start my running off with viva la vida by coldplay, using its beat to help me begin, the one uncompromisable constant in my workout. the soaring violins and rich lyrics were just the push i always needed to get started, to finish strong with a steady pace.

slowly, though, my summer days lost their laziness, and time seemed to shrink. i gradually stopped running. the playlist collected dust in my itunes and memory.

but i heard that song today, for the first time. it brought me back to those steamy summer mornings, the sky blue and trees green. fragrant, wet, heart pumping. warming up my muscles to the violin, matching my feet to the rhythm of the song, breathing. my attention focused on the lyrics instead of the time, lest i consider stopping early.

and i remember, too, the paths i always took, what i thought about on those mornings. so long ago. so much has changed since then.

and so this spring or summer, when i can run outside without bundling up, i think i’ll turn back to those playlists, bringing to mind the old and the new.

stepping outside,

i'd forgotten how it felt to stand barefoot without shivering or huddling in a blanket because of the cold, shielding myself from a harsh world.

the dusk was indigo and the lights in the houses gold, shining, bright. the street was quiet, and i could hear the whisper of a river, half a mile away.

i welcomed the sight, and with it came a longing for true warmer weather; for a colorful spring and a balmy summer.

so many emotions rushed through me at that thought, what it would mean to be there - out of high school, on to new things, stress, the great unknown.

but then i looked at those twinkling lights, and i saw beauty in something that was man made, a rare star in a city sky. and i felt peace and hope, knowing that my future will go exactly the way it's meant to.

but then i looked at those twinkling lights, and i saw beauty in something that was man made, a rare star in a city sky. and i felt peace and hope, knowing that my future will go exactly the way it’s meant to.

see, here's the thing.

if i wanted a boyfriend, i could have one right now. if all i wanted was someone to kiss and hold hands with and  “love” and fall into gray areas with, then i could flirt with a boy at random and have that. i could settle.

but i want more. i’m called to more.

i’m picky and i’ve had my heart broken. i want more than just being someone’s girlfriend. i’m not saying any of that is bad; it comes with the whole deal. but i also want to be his best friend, the one he’s most comfortable with. i want the boy who puts God in top priority, whose faith is real, who is my accountability partner. i want a boy who sends butterflies erupting in my stomach and makes me genuinely happy, whose smile makes me melt.


so i’m holding out.

some of my best friends have amazing boyfriends, and i’m so, so happy for them. they are best friends, God-given, and deep. it’s their time.

and for now, this is where i stand. content and being single, because i can be me, 100%. i can focus on God and not worry about impressing anyone. are there a few that i can see myself with? absolutely. but i’m still waiting until God gives both of us the “ok”.

all in all, it’s a blessing, but valentine’s day is still annoying.

You.

Our eyes find each other from across the room, a link of electricity that tingles down my spine and soars out of my fingertips. Your eyes are bright, full, a combination of colors unlike any other. Your smile always confides a joke we share, a sliver or sunlight after the sun has gone down. You laugh at my jokes and I at yours, even though neither of us is that funny. I'm falling hard, and I'm falling fast. You have given me hope, however unintentionally. I'm afraid to dream too much, lest I fail, but with you... it's different. I'm not so afraid, I can trust in the future. I melt just a little bit when I look at you. It's true. My first reaction when I walk into a place is to look for you. You feel like home, like I have a future, like everything is going to turn out all right in the end.

I just don't understand.

How can we all be so "lonely"? All so "unloved"? All "wishing for something better"?

I hardly ever hear people actually say those things. So either they're not true... or we're failing as the human race. God designed us to need and support each other, so why do we isolate ourselves all the time?

I'm not denying the need for alone time, on the contrary. I'd go crazy if I didn't have time to chill. But we need to make our quiet times a priority and deep conversations with others a priority too. I'm guitly of it. Most of the time I'd rather just sit here and reblog pictures rather help someone through a struggle.

But I've realized that I need other people, and I'm guessing that if you're reading this, you do too.

So love someone today. Give a compliment, a kind word. Love someone. Ask about their day, and really listen to the response. Give without expecting anything in return. Take a minute, take time, take a chance you won't ever get back.

Just don't let precious time be wasted.

I'm becoming complacent

and it's scaring me. A lot.

When I woke up this morning, I realized - every day this week has been the same. I've talked to the same people, done the same amount of work, worn the same things. I've stopped striving for something new, and no longer have I been talking to new people and making friends.

When did I become this complacent, this ordinary, this mundane? I need to get back to the way I was even a few weeks ago. Excited for a new year, wanting to make change happen. I had goals, a plan for a way to make them happen, changes in store.

I'm going back to that. I'm going to get out of my comfort zone, even with little goals. I'm going to go to lunch with someone that I wouldn't normally, and reach out to another after school hours.

Because if we're really all hiding our true feelings, it makes sense that someone out there is feeling the same way I am, I would never know otherwise.

And I don't want to waste this life.

writing isn't something

that i can prepare for. it’s more of a when-the-inspiration-hits kind of thing, rather than a i’m-going-to-write-five-pages-right-now thing. sometimes i may sit for hours staring at a blank page, tea getting cold, nothing. other times i’m just driving, and something about the sunset hits me, and i can write. i may write a paragraph, a passage, have a new character - or for pages. there’s no say in when it’ll happen; it’s as unpredictable as weather, but just as beautiful.

sick.

being sick is all sniffling and coughing, voice loss and foggy thoughts. every breathe in increases the pressure in my head and behind my eyes. i am perpetually tired, and my voice sounds like i've been smoking since i was a toddler. it tastes like lemon airborne, fizz to calm the stomach and the powerful grape of children's cold medicine. sick is the only time that sweatpants aren't comforting, when the computer screen hurts my eyes. i shut them tight against the bright, but it only highlights the vague pounding in my skull. i can't breathe. i want to lie in bed all day, drifting throughout consciousness, but i can't miss school for fear of falling behind. it's the essence of being miserable, complaining... and knowing that through it all, you're overreacting.

sometimes,

the world slows down. streams of light find their sources and mumbling becomes words able to be comprehended. in those rare moments of concentrated clarity, i can think. my mistakes and memories are lined up endlessly in front of me, like soldiers in neat rows. beyond them, i can see an endless horizon, so vast that my breath is taken away before i can even breathe in. as i start to fall, hands reach out and protect me. a warm, golden glow fills my empty heart with the touch. love, patience, understanding, wisdom. my Creator completes me, and He has never once left my side. the breathe returns to my lungs and the world speeds up again. time goes back to its shifting pattern, but i know that He is still with me. and there is no need to worry.

i’m so naive. i thought the answer would be obvious, white type on black paper, unmistakeable. now, i’m more confused than i was to begin with. half of me reached out and held tight. half of me had electricity coursing through my fingertips. half of me felt at home and content and at peace, eagerly anticipating each minute of the future. but the other half of me cringes. it feels sick to the stomach, unsure and unfeeling. i am at a forked road, where the right side is identical to the left, but it will make all the difference which side i pick. i’m getting trampled and run over, because i don’t know where to go. and no one can make this decision for me.

i consider myself an artist.

when i see a blank page, no matter what size or texture, it is my canvas.

i may fill it with pictures, colors, fonts, decoration, and hours of work until polished and call it a design,

i may scribble words onto its surface, black until the color from reading bursts forth,

i may take a picture and freeze time, molding the world to my vision,

i may sketch my imagination, filling margins with scrolling vines and interlacing figures.

or, i may read someone else's book, view someone else's picture, analyze someone else's design, or see someone else's framed art. and even then i am an artsit, so long as i stop and enjoy, appreicate their talent and vision and boldness.

because in each work are memories and bits of soul. the artist shares these in trust that you will chose to notice. 

Reflection.

Last year at this time,

I was still nursing a broken heart. I felt alone, in the crowded-room-with-no-one-to-talk-to way. The cold was still unbearable, I spent my breaks doing solitary things as I pushed everyone away. I had no idea what to do with my future. My self esteem was going fast. I had just gotten braces. I still wore glasses. I felt younger than I really was, and the bleak, gray sky had taken my joy with it.

This year, I'm different.

I don't want a boyfriend. My father has made me complete with His love and healing hands, and I'm content to wait until He brings the right boy, and I know that He will speak wisdom into my heart. I feel content to be alone, but I also have a solid group of friends that I tell everything to, and who support me. The cold is growing on me. I plan on going to a lovely college on top of a mountain, I can learn design among sparkling snow. I am confident and I love who God made me to be. I still have braces, and I wear contacts, but really, what is so important about that? I've grown into my skin, my age, my being. The sky is more blue than not for me now, and I have found true joy in my Creator.

I still have miles left to go, but instead of trudging along in life, I'm running. When I can't make it, He carries me until He knows that I have strength. And when I run, He is still holding my hand like the faithful Father that He is.

I'm not making new years resolutions; I'm making commitments. To trust God, to be myself, to take care of myself, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. To carpe diem and make the best out of the life that I've been given, to study and try my hardest.

I cannot wait.  

I have spent the majority of this holiday season

drinking coffee, eating, wearing scarves and sweaters, and relating.

And it's been pretty sucessful, I'd say!

I've tried all the Starbuck's holiday drinks, and a few lovely drinks from Caribou Coffee. Multiple one on one coffee dates = getting to know people better. Which is a blessing in itself, considering how far I've come since just last year.

I think my last post sums up the eating nicely.

Scarves and sweaters are a must for the cold weather, and snuggling by the fire. Not to mention, I have over twenty scarves and have one for every mood and event. It's pretty legit.

Relating is where this post  gains some meaning. As I've said before, with college just around the corner, my family has gotten so much more important to me. My dad's patience, my mom's jokes, my brother's architectural mind, and my sister's preteen fascination with Disney and puppies. So many things are going to change next year, and I tried to make the memories memorable. As for my friends, the select few that I feel closest with are the ones I chose to give my time, and it was not in vain. They have truly become my support, and I can honestly say that they know the true me  - a scary and humbling fact.

The two and a half weeks for break were not ill used, despite how shallow the way I spent my time may seem on the surface.

A Day in Tastes.

Wake up hungry. Waffles. Butter. Syrup. Eggs. Sausage. Pecans sprinkled on top. Powdered Sugar. Milk. Coffee with plenty of cream and sugar. Turkey. Mashed potatoes. Rolls. Green bean casserole. Cool water. Cranberry. Salad. Stuffing. More turkey, more of everything. Sweet potatoes. Chocolate pie. Apple pie. Whipped cream and vanilla sauce. Mulled Cider. Sugar cookies. Fall asleep happy.

This year,

Christmas was wonderful, but... different. It's starting to lose it's traditional magic.

Let me explain.

When I was younger, it was all about the thrill of trying to figure out what I'm going to get, and planning accordingly. Shaking each box daily, putting out cookies and milk for Santa. My stocking was chosen with care, because stocking stuffers might as well have been gold.

Needless to say, I'm older. I usually have picked out all my presents beforehand, and my parents don't even pretend that Santa visits. There was no snow, and despite the cool temperatures I just... didn't feel it. I woke up late and tried to be enthusiastic, but no dice.

But with age comes more responsibilities. And slowly, the room grew warmer and my smiles genuine. What mattered about Christmas was my family gathered around and the thoughts intertwined with the gifts. God's gift, as shown in the holy story, and the way that He keeps on giving. The traditions don't mean just comfort now - they mean love and caring and time, gifts far more valuable than those just under the tree. I know now how to enjoy the season without feeling selfish. I just have to give.

Recently,

my family has started meaning more and more to me.

For the first Christmas in a long time, all I wanted to do was hang around the house with my parents and brother and sister and grandma and enjoy the holiday. Usually, the urge to escape drowns out all other desires, but this time, the house got cozier as the days went on. My dad made breakfast Christmas morning, my mom took pictures, my brother got Legos and my sister clothes, and my grandma gave us her famous presents. These are memories that I am going to cherish, because I actually took time to enjoy them.

Yes, my family does grate on my last nerve at times. Yes I did hang out with friends. And yes, I'm not always fun to be around, especially in the morning. But this season is a time to slow down and reflect, to see what's right in front of you and enjoy it. The holiday specials on tv are great and all, but they can never replace each unique memory.