books were an adventure. first i was learning to read, finding meaning in those black lines with curves and angles, discovering the difference between letters.
soon, books were mainly an escape. away from loud siblings or a gray winter, i could experience life. i couldn’t drive yet, so the only way to taste the real world was through a character. i lived vicariously.
i forgot them for a while, actually. i began to have my own adventures: stargazing, 3 a.m. runs to cookout, spontaneous trips to the lake. i didn’t need someone else to live through - i had my own life.
luckily, that only lasted about a month or so. you see, real people always let you down. it’s a fact of life, and i can say it because i’ve even let my best friends down, unintentionally. people disappoint.
but characters? they always wait for you. they’ll stop in mid sentence if you need to grab a sip of coffee or answer the phone. they’ve had months to think over their words and contemplate the meaning of a sentence. they’re ideal.
i’m not a hermit and i’m an extrovert to the max, and i adore my friends. but i find that when i need quiet… books are one of the best places to go.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
i don't want to go back
to the way things were.
i can feel it sneaking up on me - anxiety's fingers on my throat, loneliness's weight on my heart. i was always so sad, then. so afraid to make a wrong move that i didn't move at all, or do much of anything. i hid alone where it was safe. a life of mere existence. i just wanted time to go by quickly, so i could clearly see the end.
a long year later, i moved past that. i found friends and confidence, true laughs and jokes without forced smiles. people finally accepted me, and i'm so so grateful.
i've been living in sunshine instead of darkness, drinking life in at every possible second.i smile easily now too, and my fears and insecurities have been leaving me alone. i'm the way i was before the move; if possible, i really am myself.
but too much time alone in my head makes me wonder. casual thoughts that lead to deep worries, problems i thought i'd buried resurfacing through time's shifting sands.
and just when i thought if found myself, God whispers that i should've been seeking Him all along.
it's a scary thing, being out of control. isn't it?
i can feel it sneaking up on me - anxiety's fingers on my throat, loneliness's weight on my heart. i was always so sad, then. so afraid to make a wrong move that i didn't move at all, or do much of anything. i hid alone where it was safe. a life of mere existence. i just wanted time to go by quickly, so i could clearly see the end.
a long year later, i moved past that. i found friends and confidence, true laughs and jokes without forced smiles. people finally accepted me, and i'm so so grateful.
i've been living in sunshine instead of darkness, drinking life in at every possible second.i smile easily now too, and my fears and insecurities have been leaving me alone. i'm the way i was before the move; if possible, i really am myself.
but too much time alone in my head makes me wonder. casual thoughts that lead to deep worries, problems i thought i'd buried resurfacing through time's shifting sands.
and just when i thought if found myself, God whispers that i should've been seeking Him all along.
it's a scary thing, being out of control. isn't it?
He is risen,
He is risen indeed!
i have done absolutely nothing to deserve this. nothing. so much sacrifice and pain, sacrifice and love. i’m unworthy, but he is so, so loving.
thank you Father. i’m at a loss for words just thinking about what you went through thousands of years ago by earthly time, but always in your plan. You gave up everything for me, and then rose again in one of the most spectacular miracles ever seen. may my life be to your glory, always.
happy easter!
i have done absolutely nothing to deserve this. nothing. so much sacrifice and pain, sacrifice and love. i’m unworthy, but he is so, so loving.
thank you Father. i’m at a loss for words just thinking about what you went through thousands of years ago by earthly time, but always in your plan. You gave up everything for me, and then rose again in one of the most spectacular miracles ever seen. may my life be to your glory, always.
happy easter!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
my priorities
are craaazy out of wack.
like yeah i’m a senior, but school still matters. i truly do value the feeling of hard work more than i ever realized, if only because of its absence.
that being said, my friends have taken top priority. that’s such a good thing, because relationships are crutial, but also bad… because, well, God should be number one. but school has taken last, even under chickfila and church and sleep. and then there’s the senior book, a category all it’s own.
coffee is becoming a little to essential to my focus, and i’m not even going to europe. just graduating.
and these two weeks: one, three of my best friends gone. the other, a solid break from school. pluses and minuses, curses and blessings.
i wish i wasn’t so self-centered. it’s a problem, and i need to fix that too. all the cliches, so much and so little time, blah blah blah. it’s something only God can fix, so here we go.
like yeah i’m a senior, but school still matters. i truly do value the feeling of hard work more than i ever realized, if only because of its absence.
that being said, my friends have taken top priority. that’s such a good thing, because relationships are crutial, but also bad… because, well, God should be number one. but school has taken last, even under chickfila and church and sleep. and then there’s the senior book, a category all it’s own.
coffee is becoming a little to essential to my focus, and i’m not even going to europe. just graduating.
and these two weeks: one, three of my best friends gone. the other, a solid break from school. pluses and minuses, curses and blessings.
i wish i wasn’t so self-centered. it’s a problem, and i need to fix that too. all the cliches, so much and so little time, blah blah blah. it’s something only God can fix, so here we go.
Friday, April 15, 2011
prom is tonight.
in roughly eight hours, my date is coming to my house for pictures and the night will officially begin.
i'm afraid i'm anticipating too much. you know? like if i expect it to be absolutely magical and the best night of my life, and it's not... that would be such a let down.
on the flip side, i don't want to be a negative nancy and expect the worst, missing opportunities.
but since i have a wonderful date, even more wonderful friends and plans going deep into the night, i'm going to go the optimistic route. i was asked on a golf course while stargazing, my nails are done and my dress has almost all my favorite colors. plus i'm going with a ginger, and i'm a senior.
it's going to be magical, i'm almost positive. and i. can't. wait.
i'm afraid i'm anticipating too much. you know? like if i expect it to be absolutely magical and the best night of my life, and it's not... that would be such a let down.
on the flip side, i don't want to be a negative nancy and expect the worst, missing opportunities.
but since i have a wonderful date, even more wonderful friends and plans going deep into the night, i'm going to go the optimistic route. i was asked on a golf course while stargazing, my nails are done and my dress has almost all my favorite colors. plus i'm going with a ginger, and i'm a senior.
it's going to be magical, i'm almost positive. and i. can't. wait.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
heaven on earth
nom nom nom. have you seen these? i'm sure most people have by now: a gooey chocolate chip cookie with a crunchy oreo on the inside. it looks choclately, sweet, satisfying, delicious, and full of calories that are worth every bite.
it's 7:30 a.m. and i'm starting the day off to craving more dessert that i already eat way too much of. but that's okay, i'll just wait until after prom to make them!
oh my lanta i'm just thinking bout these cookies. dipped in milk, fresh out of the oven, melting in my mouth and filling my whole body up with warmth - mmmm. i'm a foodie, isn't it obvious? the only way to make these better is to either add peanut butter chips to the cookie batter or slather it on top of the cookie before it's eaten. or both. if you like peanut butter.
i also have a recipe for nutella brownies i need to try. it'll be hard to chose between these two, but here's the recipe for these in the meantime:
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/9JoROP/blog.fossil.com/%253Fcat%253D6
it's 7:30 a.m. and i'm starting the day off to craving more dessert that i already eat way too much of. but that's okay, i'll just wait until after prom to make them!
oh my lanta i'm just thinking bout these cookies. dipped in milk, fresh out of the oven, melting in my mouth and filling my whole body up with warmth - mmmm. i'm a foodie, isn't it obvious? the only way to make these better is to either add peanut butter chips to the cookie batter or slather it on top of the cookie before it's eaten. or both. if you like peanut butter.
i also have a recipe for nutella brownies i need to try. it'll be hard to chose between these two, but here's the recipe for these in the meantime:
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/9JoROP/blog.fossil.com/%253Fcat%253D6
typography.
notice how "life" and "life is short" each take up three lines, ephasizing their importance. everythign is in all caps, urging for immediate action to "start doing things you love" and to "travel often". encouraging words like "love" and "passion" are huge so the reader will feel happy and inspired when they read them. the everyday things are smaller because they usually fade into the background, but their still there to show how important they are to our lives' structure. the font is a modernized typwriter font, a spin of a classic to make the reader feel nostalgic for their childhood days.
what i'm saying is that i think this is really cool, basically. i don't know if everything was intentional or simply intuitive, but its a clean design and appeal to the art of typography.
i'll admit though - my favorites are the ones that include different fonts and colors but are still unified within the design - i have yet to figure out how to make those. but i will, soon. until then, i'll enjoy the ones other people have made.
i'm done
with letting you control my life.
you’ve hurt me, more than you will ever know. i’ve been on a roller coaster with you since day one, and i’m through.
you can’t control my happiness anymore, or my confidence. i won’t apologize for being me. no, i’m not perfect. but here’s the truth: neither are you.
i gave you a chance; a second chance; ten chances. i’m willing to forgive again, because i know half of it is me being oversensitive. i still want to know you better, as a sibling in Christ. but it’s hard to believe so much of what you say. i want to trust you. stop giving me reasons not to.
i wish i could just come out and say this in person. i know you don’t even realize how much this is tearing me up inside.
but i’m becoming myself again, finally. each day for the past couple weeks i’ve found another piece. i’ll be okay - i just hope you will be too.
you’ve hurt me, more than you will ever know. i’ve been on a roller coaster with you since day one, and i’m through.
you can’t control my happiness anymore, or my confidence. i won’t apologize for being me. no, i’m not perfect. but here’s the truth: neither are you.
i gave you a chance; a second chance; ten chances. i’m willing to forgive again, because i know half of it is me being oversensitive. i still want to know you better, as a sibling in Christ. but it’s hard to believe so much of what you say. i want to trust you. stop giving me reasons not to.
i wish i could just come out and say this in person. i know you don’t even realize how much this is tearing me up inside.
but i’m becoming myself again, finally. each day for the past couple weeks i’ve found another piece. i’ll be okay - i just hope you will be too.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
dear you,
be careful with my heart.
it’s fragile, and i’m already broken and imperfect enough.
please… just tell me what you’re thinking. no more games, no more inferences. tell me what thoughts go through your head when you chose your words, when you plan your future, when you decide who to open up to today.
i’m willing to give it a try, but i don’t think you are. funny, because that all changed within a week.
i’m confused, love.
it hurts.
on top of everything else that’s going on, you’re only making it worse. i was willing to muster through until you added that last straw to the pile. i’m not sure if it was intentional or not; i’d like to go with the latter.
the day before my birthday, i felt like poop and didn't go to school until 10:30 to try and feel better with extra sleep. it didn't work.
i don’t expect anything from you. how sad is that? a week ago i wouldn’t thought you’d have a huge surprise in store. now i know better.
i hope i’m just being dramatic, and that everything will turn out all right in the end.
i care about you, a lot. remember that.
love, me.
it’s fragile, and i’m already broken and imperfect enough.
please… just tell me what you’re thinking. no more games, no more inferences. tell me what thoughts go through your head when you chose your words, when you plan your future, when you decide who to open up to today.
i’m willing to give it a try, but i don’t think you are. funny, because that all changed within a week.
i’m confused, love.
it hurts.
on top of everything else that’s going on, you’re only making it worse. i was willing to muster through until you added that last straw to the pile. i’m not sure if it was intentional or not; i’d like to go with the latter.
the day before my birthday, i felt like poop and didn't go to school until 10:30 to try and feel better with extra sleep. it didn't work.
i don’t expect anything from you. how sad is that? a week ago i wouldn’t thought you’d have a huge surprise in store. now i know better.
i hope i’m just being dramatic, and that everything will turn out all right in the end.
i care about you, a lot. remember that.
love, me.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
who comes comes up with these things?
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2rClf2/www.yankodesign.com/2011/03/17/a-chair-for-clingy-lovers/
this is hysterical. i laughed because it's ridiculous, but everyone knows what they're talking about and would actually use it!
and yet, just who has enough time to think of this idea and fashion the actual chair? And then market it? And then actually... sell it?
if only my ideas came that easily.
at the beginning of the year my ideas came with a vengeance. i kept paper and a pen with me at all times so i could scribble down the random passages that filled my mind. they're still there, somewhere. but instead of dancing in florescence, they've faded to the backburner, slowly turning into smoke.
my creativity is such a part of who i am; losing it terrifies me.
maybe this poetry project will be a good thing after all. maybe it will turn that smoke into water, and that water into a waterfall.
this is hysterical. i laughed because it's ridiculous, but everyone knows what they're talking about and would actually use it!
and yet, just who has enough time to think of this idea and fashion the actual chair? And then market it? And then actually... sell it?
if only my ideas came that easily.
at the beginning of the year my ideas came with a vengeance. i kept paper and a pen with me at all times so i could scribble down the random passages that filled my mind. they're still there, somewhere. but instead of dancing in florescence, they've faded to the backburner, slowly turning into smoke.
my creativity is such a part of who i am; losing it terrifies me.
maybe this poetry project will be a good thing after all. maybe it will turn that smoke into water, and that water into a waterfall.
this
is something I would absolutely love to do.
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/6mqavU/www.youtube.com/watch%253Fv%253Dd6egUsZvWu4
painting like this, with colors and schemes and all-around creativity. if i had unlimited cash, i'd be on the agenda for this sunday, the perfect after-prom activity.
just think: the countless hours buying the paint, sorting them into cups, finding a tower to cover with color. painstakingly planning out the order, and which colors will go best together. i could go with cool colors like the ocean, spring pastels, bright summer colors, oranges in a sunset - endless possibilities.
but then comes the actual process, and where on earth do you actually do it? in a garage? the paint probably takes hours to dry. it's completely inconceivable for one person to do alone.
i'm being such a realitst. this is weird. maybe i'm just tired, or discouraged by my lack of means to actually do something this cool.
unless i come up with my own solution...
either way, it's on the bucket list!
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/6mqavU/www.youtube.com/watch%253Fv%253Dd6egUsZvWu4
painting like this, with colors and schemes and all-around creativity. if i had unlimited cash, i'd be on the agenda for this sunday, the perfect after-prom activity.
just think: the countless hours buying the paint, sorting them into cups, finding a tower to cover with color. painstakingly planning out the order, and which colors will go best together. i could go with cool colors like the ocean, spring pastels, bright summer colors, oranges in a sunset - endless possibilities.
but then comes the actual process, and where on earth do you actually do it? in a garage? the paint probably takes hours to dry. it's completely inconceivable for one person to do alone.
i'm being such a realitst. this is weird. maybe i'm just tired, or discouraged by my lack of means to actually do something this cool.
unless i come up with my own solution...
either way, it's on the bucket list!
Monday, April 11, 2011
my mood is 90%
determined by the weather.
i’m not sure if that’s normal or some kind of strange quirk, but whatever the reason - i’m so grateful for the sunshine and wonderful weather today. just lying in the sun with some of my best friends made my week so much brighter.
i came home (driving with the windows and sunroof down, of course!) to peace and my first free afternoon in a long while. it's so peaceful.
and come to realize: i have more reasons to be happy than to not. such a cliche statement, but cliches had to become so well known for a reason, right?
in any case, thank you, Daddy and sweet sunshine (:
i’m not sure if that’s normal or some kind of strange quirk, but whatever the reason - i’m so grateful for the sunshine and wonderful weather today. just lying in the sun with some of my best friends made my week so much brighter.
i came home (driving with the windows and sunroof down, of course!) to peace and my first free afternoon in a long while. it's so peaceful.
and come to realize: i have more reasons to be happy than to not. such a cliche statement, but cliches had to become so well known for a reason, right?
in any case, thank you, Daddy and sweet sunshine (:
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