art.

i have so many pictures in my head, so many images i just can’t seem to get onto paper; so many words, tumbling into sentences, falling onto cliffs and breaking into typefaces and serif fonts. i picture them marching out of open books, taking flight and forming dragons. colors and scales will grow and take shape, a breath of fire to clear the room. thick lines and thin lines, big A’s and little a’s, swarms. they crowd my mind and beg to be let out, but my hands can’t seem to find the right tools to make it happen - and so they sit. they multiply and grow until busting at the seams… and when i find a blank page, they explode. charcoal and pen and paint, curvy lines and vines, neat rows and coffee stains. so unique and never ending. my feelings are carried with them, too. and my fears, dreams, past memories. they each take a little piece and weave it in, until the finished work is a blanket and timeline, warm and revealing.

this is why i am an artist. not because i cannot keep these ideas inside, but because i have no desire to. 

welcome back.

i'm in college. i've been here for about 2 and a half months, and it has been one of the hardest things i've ever done.  not hard in the traditional sense, with my nervous breakdowns and sobbing in a corner, but different.

i'm an adult. err, sort of. but i live halfway on my own and i buy my own groceries and actually do my dorm chores. i had to start over with the exception of a few and make all new friends, learn my way around a new town, learn how to do actual art the correct way.

it's so amazing though. boone is beautiful. i go on hikes and climb rocks, and i tailgated in the snow. cru is every thursday and i'm so blessed with those small group girls. i prayed for a few good friends - God gave me the small group, girls on my hall, and andrew's entire floor. who am i to complain?

rooming with another person isn't easy, and i'm still single.

but my friend kaitlyn helped me so much. she reminded me that singleness is not a permanent state. i may be called to singleness now, but that doesn't necessarily mean that's true for next week or next year. woah.

this weekend i'm going home to see my family and my best friends. it'll be good to drive and hang with them again, splatter paint and footloose and disney movies in all (:

so life is good right now. different, but good. i'm learning more about other people and myself and God's plan for me than i ever expected in a few months. and i'm still just as close with my old friend as i was before, and moving on with new friends too.

wow. just wow. how can i be so blessed? thank you, daddy :)

this is my last

blog entry for honors creative writing AND last week of high school, ever.

What.

I remember being a freshman so well. that awkward year when everything was disproportionate and i had the self-esteem of a bug. when too much energy and a desire to be the best goody-two-shoes collided. when i still had so much to learn, but considered myself an expert nonetheless.

now, i'm not perfect. not even close. but i've learned more in these four years - move and costa rica in all - than i ever could've expected. God is good. i've made amazing friends, been loved, shared love.

still, i'm ready for a change. for college. the next stage of my life.

i wish with all my heart that i was going to europe with all best best friends in a week and a half, but it's not in the cards for me, i guess. but there's studying abroad and skiing and blizzards at college, and dorm shopping and orientation when everyone's gone. i have no doubts that i will live a full life if i live it according to God's will.

so here we go. farewell to the lasts, welcome to the firsts.

it's life's little things

that mean the most to me.

singing in the rain and group hugs in the middle of the street; kids movies and cartoons; cake and cookies; laughing and cracking cheesy jokes; staying up all night, hanging out all day.

i traveled through hills and valleys to find the kids i’ve spent countless hours with, and i’m not letting them go, even when the miles separate us.

these memories are irreplaceable. it's all the lasts, final drives to school and prom and sleepovers. it's the times that we'll treasure in our heart, look back on and laugh about. i'm so blessed to have experienced them. i wouldn't trade these things with the world.

one summer left. that's all that's left until everything changes. until our lives change. until we change.

just a few more months of childhood, lazy days and sunshine, laughing hysterically with no place to be. these people, my best friends  - i love you, and i wouldn't be the same without you.

i love you. 

i'm ready for change,

but aren't we all?

i can't wait until next year, when i'll be up in the mountains. freedom and new friends, so many new adventures and experiences. i know that it's going to be one of the most difficult times of my life, but i'm ready.

at least, i think i am.

i've been spending quality time reflecting on high school recently, and i'd say i had it pretty good. i made friends and lived my life to God's honor and glory; i didn't make any colossal mistakes; i learned about myself.

pretty typical, yeah. but college is going to be a whole new step. it's a time to test my beliefs, for one thing. not just religiously, but also relationship and with my studies. i'll have to learn how to balance even more than before, especially when i add a job on the side. it's going to be crazy, but so worth it.

when i was little,

books were an adventure. first i was learning to read, finding meaning in those black lines with curves and angles, discovering the difference between letters.

soon, books were mainly an escape. away from loud siblings or a gray winter, i could experience life. i couldn’t drive yet, so the only way to taste the real world was through a character. i lived vicariously.

i forgot them for a while, actually. i began to have my own adventures: stargazing, 3 a.m. runs to cookout, spontaneous trips to the lake. i didn’t need someone else to live through - i had my own life.

luckily, that only lasted about a month or so. you see, real people always let you down. it’s a fact of life, and i can say it because i’ve even let my best friends down, unintentionally. people disappoint.

but characters? they always wait for you. they’ll stop in mid sentence if you need to grab a sip of coffee or answer the phone. they’ve had months to think over their words and contemplate the meaning of a sentence. they’re ideal.

i’m not a hermit and i’m an extrovert to the max, and i adore my friends. but i find that when i need quiet… books are one of the best places to go.

i don't want to go back

to the way things were.

i can feel it sneaking up on me - anxiety's fingers on my throat, loneliness's weight on my heart. i was always so sad, then. so afraid to make a wrong move that i didn't move at all, or do much of anything. i hid alone where it was safe. a life of mere existence. i just wanted time to go by quickly, so i could clearly see the end.


a long year later, i moved past that. i found friends and confidence, true laughs and jokes without forced smiles. people finally accepted me, and i'm so so grateful.

i've been living in sunshine instead of darkness, drinking life in at every possible second.i smile easily now too, and my fears and insecurities have been leaving me alone. i'm the way i was before the move; if possible, i really am myself.

but too much time alone in my head makes me wonder. casual thoughts that lead to deep worries, problems i thought i'd buried resurfacing through time's shifting sands.

and just when i thought if found myself, God whispers that i should've been seeking Him all along.

it's a scary thing, being out of control. isn't it?