i'm worried about getting in.

but who isn’t?
all i can see is a mountain of endless pages on college applications, essays, and recommendation letters. people telling me i should know exactly what i’m doing, that i should have applied weeks ago. that it’s ok to be stressed, but only for a little bit. because all the worthy people rise above it.

well… i haven’t risen above it. i’m freaking. out.

my heart is set on one school. i’m positive i’m going to get in. and yet… i want backup schools. places that’ll take me just because i’m good enough. so selfish, right?

but i want a good future, to have everything go perfectly. i’m just not sure how to get there. no one has explained it to me.

and the anxiety pulls me in every time, but in different ways. sometimes it constricts my lungs, leaving me gasping for breath and something to cling to. sometimes it drops a bowling ball in my stomach, splashing acid all the way down to my toes. sometimes it blurrs everything, weighting and stinging my eyelids, so i can’t do anything but sleep fitfully. sometimes it brings up everything i have yet to complete, everything in my agenda not yet checked off.

i should not worry so much about this. about anything. about what i’m going to eat for lunch or clothes or what people think of me. or how i seem to mess up no matter how hard i try. or that i’m always the scapegoat, feeling so small.

i shouldn’t worry… but i do.